Basketball :-)

 

 

 

 

 

On Tuesday evening, Dan and I took Tyler to the basketball court.  He has been trying and trying to make a basket and that night, he made two!  The next day we went back and he made five more baskets.  :-)

 

 

 

 

Back to the Flower Farm :-)

 

 

Tyler and I decided to take one last trip to the flower farm.  Unfortunately when we got there it was very sunny and very hot so we didn't stay too long.  Tyler picked one of the flowers and when we went to pay for it, I said, "Sorry, we are still learning how to pick flowers," (since the bottom half of the flower was still somewhere in the flower field!)  The woman couldn't have been sweeter.  She said, "What a great job, Tyler.  We are so happy to have you here."  She told us she'd wrap up our flower for us, and while she did, we looked at the baby chicks, which were adorable!  She talked to Tyler about the chicks and the other animals at the farm, then we paid for our one flower and went on our way.  When we got home and I went to unwrap the flower to put it in water, I saw that she had added three additional flowers.  Sooo sweet and thoughtful.  :-)

Today Was My Due Date

Our baby was due today.  5/5/15.  When I found out I was pregnant many months ago, and I realized what the due date would be, I loved everything about the date.  The first person I told about my pregnancy was Tyler, and I will never forget the expression on his face in that moment.  We went out and bought him a "Big Brother" t-shirt, and balloons, then we waited for Dan to get home from work to surprise him.  I have a video of Dan taking longer than we anticipated to put everything together.  I love that video.  I loved that day.  Regardless of how everything turned out, that day will always be one of the happiest days of my life. 

There was so much excitement and happiness in those first few days.  Unfortunately, things started to go wrong very quickly.  We spent the next few weeks worrying and wondering if everything would be okay, until Dan and I found ourselves in the ER.  Before the doctor even said one word, we knew.  We were never going to get to meet our baby. 

I tried to find the right words to explain to Tyler why everyone was so sad, and why I couldn't help but cry.  I told him that when I was lucky enough to get to carry him, he grew and grew.  But for some reason that we'll never be able to understand, our baby stopped growing.  When I told him my mom was on her way over he said, "But Mama, if you're sad when Gaga is here then Gaga will be sad too."  Our sweet boy just wanted everyone to be happy again.  Weeks later, as we drew fire trucks and he placed heart stickers on his paper, he placed one up in the sky.  "It's an angel," he said.  "It's a baby."

It’s still a long nine months even if you never make it past the first trimester.  I found it impossible not to count the weeks as they went by.  During what would have been my fourteenth week of pregnancy, Dan and I celebrated the nine year anniversary of the day we met.  We had planned to have a picture taken of us with Tyler wearing a big brother shirt to share our news.  Instead, I wore a necklace I had made to remember our baby. There was no celebrating.  I just wanted the day to be over. 

Some of the paths we take in life are decided for us.  We didn’t get to know anything about our baby except for their due date.  What could have been becomes a daydream.  I was told long ago that experiencing loss would make me stronger and that time heals.  But when your soul is scarred, time means nothing.  That feeling of loss doesn’t go away; it stays with us forever.  We feel loss because we loved. 

Pregnancy loss is rarely talked about or acknowledged.  But there was a baby.  A baby who was very wanted and loved and now missed.   There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about the love I feel for the baby I got to carry for too short of a time. 

We will choose happiness today.  We will spend as much time as we can outside and we will look up at the sky.  And I just know we will see something beautiful. 

 

Little Helper

 

 

This week Tyler went to the library and to his two favorite indoor playgrounds.  At the first one, there were only two children there - Tyler and a little girl.  Thankfully, they wanted to play together and had lots of fun.  She even gave Tyler a big hug when we all had to leave.  I enjoyed chatting with her mom, who went to JMU like me (while our husbands both went to the University of Maryland!  So funny!)  He had a playdate with his friends, Reed, Dylan, & Lily.  He also had a playdate with Noah, Alex, Zachary, & Austin.  Dan worked on putting up new blinds in our room and Tyler dressed up to be his helper.  Every day he wants to dress up like Batman, a policeman, Captain America, or a fireman.  :-)

 

Dan and I took him to two different parks and he got to see my parents and Dan's mom.  My mom took him to the volleyball court in our neighborhood and he enjoyed setting up all of his dinosaurs.  I took him again the next day and he played for two hours with three other children.  The first day he took a three hour nap and the next day he went to sleep at 8:00...which never happens around here! 

 

Flower Farm :-)

 

 

 

I was supposed to do a photo shoot yesterday but unfortunately it had to be postponed a few weeks.  The good news was that it was a perfect cloudy day to visit the nearby flower farm!  Tyler and I have gone the past two years but this was the first time Dan came with us.  I knew it would be crowded on the weekend, and it was!  Almost everyone was in the tulip field so we spent most of our time in the daffodil field.  It was pretty cold but we had a lot of fun and even got to have a picnic lunch there.  Tyler said, "I can't believe we're having a real picnic!"  :-) 

Spring

 

This past weekend I was recovering from the flu and couldn't do much.  After three straight days inside (except for a trip to the doctor) I was desperate to leave the house.  Tyler and I stayed in the car while Dan ran a bunch of errands.  After that, I was so exhausted I had to take a nap.  :-)  Tyler helped Dan wash his mustang, he went to his favorite indoor playground twice, and we spent time outside, blowing bubbles and kicking the soccer ball around.  He had a playdate with his friends Noah, Alex, Zachary, and Austin.  :-)  He fell asleep on Dan one night, which was adorable, and wasn't too pleased when I finally had enough energy to clean his toys.