My 35th Birthday

 

 

When I woke up on my birthday, I said to Dan, "Can you believe when you met me I was 25 and now I'm 35?!"  :-)  It was a great birthday!  Tyler and I went over to my parents' house and they had a delicious cake for me.  The next day I got my haircut then Tyler enjoyed some time with my parents while Dan and I went to a cinema drafthouse to see "Pitch Perfect 2".  Dan was thrilled with my movie choice.  :-)  I read JoJo Moyes' Last Letter book which I loved so much!

 

Tyler went to his favorite indoor playground three times - once when Dan and I took him when Dan had a day off, once with his friend Grace, and once for a special party that had a moon bounce and flying airplanes.  He had a quick park playdate with his friends, Reed & Baby Lily (who brought cupcakes for my birthday!) and took a trip to the library.  We went to the school playground and he had a playdate at Noah's house with Noah, Alex, Zachary, and Austin.

 

 

All of my birthday pictures with Tyler over the years :-)

 

 

 

Mother's Day

 

 

This week Tyler got his hair cut.  At least once a year, Dan likes for him to get a "cool" haircut.  For days I kept saying, "Who are you?  Where is my Tyler?" and he would laugh and say, "I'm still Tyler!  I just have a funny haircut!"  :-)  We met up with his friends, Noah and Alex, at a "Touch a Truck" event.  He had a great time and even got a tattoo on his hand.  He met up with his friends Zachary and Austin at the park one day and took two other trips to the park.  He went to his favorite indoor playground twice, and to the library.

Tyler spent the night at my parents' house so Dan and I could go out to dinner and enjoy a quiet night at home.  We gave my mom her cards and gift, which was a framed Mother's Day card.  I was spoiled with cards and gifts as well.  We went to Dan's mom's house and brought lunch and cards, then went out for ice cream, and to the park.  :-)

Tyler loves his "Kitty" or "Kit Kit" as he calls her.  He has been insisting that we take her everywhere we go and she seems to have taken Gog's place as his #1 favorite stuffed animal.  One day at home he wrapped her up in a blanket and carried her around like a baby.  I wondered if he was trying to copy Princess Kate holding the Royal Baby.  :-)

Hot Weather

 

It's definitely starting to feel like summer.  We can't believe the pool is going to open in two weeks!  This week Tyler got to spend time with his grandparents, which always makes him very happy.  He took a few trips to the playground and went to his favorite indoor playground.  He had a playdate with Dylan, Reed, and Lily, and one with Noah and Alex.  Dan's friend Marco came over to visit and Tyler and I drove them to a sports bar to watch the big boxing fight.  Unfortunately, they didn't know they needed to have a reservation, so we drove them to a different one.  But that place wasn't playing the fight.  They called a third place, which also wasn't playing the fight.  Finally, the fourth place we tried had plenty of space and a huge tv screen.  By then, Tyler wanted to go in too and eat.  Dan and I haven't taken Tyler to a restaurant in years so we were nervous, but he did a great job!  We were there about an hour but once the boxing matches started, Tyler and I headed home.  :-)

Basketball :-)

 

 

 

 

 

On Tuesday evening, Dan and I took Tyler to the basketball court.  He has been trying and trying to make a basket and that night, he made two!  The next day we went back and he made five more baskets.  :-)

 

 

 

 

Back to the Flower Farm :-)

 

 

Tyler and I decided to take one last trip to the flower farm.  Unfortunately when we got there it was very sunny and very hot so we didn't stay too long.  Tyler picked one of the flowers and when we went to pay for it, I said, "Sorry, we are still learning how to pick flowers," (since the bottom half of the flower was still somewhere in the flower field!)  The woman couldn't have been sweeter.  She said, "What a great job, Tyler.  We are so happy to have you here."  She told us she'd wrap up our flower for us, and while she did, we looked at the baby chicks, which were adorable!  She talked to Tyler about the chicks and the other animals at the farm, then we paid for our one flower and went on our way.  When we got home and I went to unwrap the flower to put it in water, I saw that she had added three additional flowers.  Sooo sweet and thoughtful.  :-)

Today Was My Due Date

Our baby was due today.  5/5/15.  When I found out I was pregnant many months ago, and I realized what the due date would be, I loved everything about the date.  The first person I told about my pregnancy was Tyler, and I will never forget the expression on his face in that moment.  We went out and bought him a "Big Brother" t-shirt, and balloons, then we waited for Dan to get home from work to surprise him.  I have a video of Dan taking longer than we anticipated to put everything together.  I love that video.  I loved that day.  Regardless of how everything turned out, that day will always be one of the happiest days of my life. 

There was so much excitement and happiness in those first few days.  Unfortunately, things started to go wrong very quickly.  We spent the next few weeks worrying and wondering if everything would be okay, until Dan and I found ourselves in the ER.  Before the doctor even said one word, we knew.  We were never going to get to meet our baby. 

I tried to find the right words to explain to Tyler why everyone was so sad, and why I couldn't help but cry.  I told him that when I was lucky enough to get to carry him, he grew and grew.  But for some reason that we'll never be able to understand, our baby stopped growing.  When I told him my mom was on her way over he said, "But Mama, if you're sad when Gaga is here then Gaga will be sad too."  Our sweet boy just wanted everyone to be happy again.  Weeks later, as we drew fire trucks and he placed heart stickers on his paper, he placed one up in the sky.  "It's an angel," he said.  "It's a baby."

It’s still a long nine months even if you never make it past the first trimester.  I found it impossible not to count the weeks as they went by.  During what would have been my fourteenth week of pregnancy, Dan and I celebrated the nine year anniversary of the day we met.  We had planned to have a picture taken of us with Tyler wearing a big brother shirt to share our news.  Instead, I wore a necklace I had made to remember our baby. There was no celebrating.  I just wanted the day to be over. 

Some of the paths we take in life are decided for us.  We didn’t get to know anything about our baby except for their due date.  What could have been becomes a daydream.  I was told long ago that experiencing loss would make me stronger and that time heals.  But when your soul is scarred, time means nothing.  That feeling of loss doesn’t go away; it stays with us forever.  We feel loss because we loved. 

Pregnancy loss is rarely talked about or acknowledged.  But there was a baby.  A baby who was very wanted and loved and now missed.   There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about the love I feel for the baby I got to carry for too short of a time. 

We will choose happiness today.  We will spend as much time as we can outside and we will look up at the sky.  And I just know we will see something beautiful.